Friday, March 09, 2007

The Arrival of Sibley Raj Pea

I've been so busy setting things straight in Owenia that I've been remiss in other aspects of my life. Not only have I been failing you, my dear, patient readers, but I also found out, just the other day, that my Flatulonian friend, Windy Pop, has had a baby. In case you've forgotten, Windy Pop is from the planet Flatulon-Nine, the occupants of which have heads located where their bottoms should be, and bottoms located where their heads should be. The main form of communication among the Flatulonians is via flatulence. However, contrary to what many people may think, this is not why they are called Flatulonians. In fact, the word flatulence is derived from the word Flatulonian, rather than the other way round - look it up if you don't believe me. The time it takes for a non-preganant Flatulonian to become a pregnant Flatulonian isn't necessarily very long. In fact, it can be so quick that it can come as quite a surprise to many Flatulonians. Windy Pop was one of those pregnant Flatulonians who was surprised to discover he was pregnant. He wasn't all that keen on having a baby. He always said they were like little turds (actually, this is an accurate description of baby Flatulonians). He wouldn't have minded if it was the woman who carried the baby, but on the planet Flatulon-Nine, a law had recently been passed which stated that it is the men who must gestate the baby - and it felt very much like being constipated, times 1,000. The standard Flatulonian pregnancy usually lasts 60 Flatulonian years (each of which only equates to a single Earth day) and Windy Pop's baby was premature by two months. Sometimes, if the baby is late in coming, they have to induce labour by means of an enema.

Before I get caught up in all the gushy baby stuff I should recount to you the story of how Windy Pop met the mother of his child. The girl's name was Stinky Toot Toot Drive Slowly Keep To Left, or just Tooty for short. The first time Windy Pop saw Tooty was on the train travelling to the Werribee Sewage Farm, where Windy Pop had the job of looking after the farm animals (singing them to sleep at night, among other things). Tooty was fast asleep on the seat opposite to Windy Pop. Windy Pop couldn't take his eye off her. He had never seen anyone so beautiful in his entire life. He thought she was so beautiful that it hurt him inside, as if an evil cupid had stuck a knife into his stomach and was twisting it. On the planet Flatulon-Nine, the popular symbol for representing love is a picture of a bladder with an arrow through it. The symbol for lost love is a bladder bursting (angsty Flatulonian artists would often express how deeply they felt about things by drawing graphic pictures of bladders bursting, with the contents dripping into a puddle on the ground). When Flatulonian parents are explaining to teenage Flatulonians the difference between teenage lust and true love, they say true love feels very much like needing to go to the toilet, times 1,000. Windy Pop thought everything about Tooty was perfect, even the imperfections! He could easily get lost in her gorgeous brown eye, which he thought to himself was like a window to her soul (via her bowel). He even loved the hair fuzz, stretch marks and cellulite on her cheeks. Simply put, Windy Pop felt like he really, really, really needed to go to the toilet.

Windy Pop had sat there staring at Tooty whilst she was sleeping, thinking wonderful things about the life they could lead together. He was staring for such a long time that he began to worry that it might be wrong to stare at her whilst thinking things like that. Windy Pop was prone to thinking about things a little too much, and worrying needlessly. Windy Pop might have been even more worried if he'd known that Tooty was returning home after her self defence class. In the self defence classes Flatulonian women learned about the various horrific things they could do to any would-be attackers. Not content simply with the old kicking of the balls routine, the women learnt about other, more permanent, methods of damaging a male Flatulonian's testicles with the types of items found in your common female Flatulonian's purse, such as, makeup, soft toys and anything coloured pink. Windy Pop got so worried that staring at her was a bad thing that he made a concerted effort not to look at Tooty. Instead he shut his eye and tried to remember all of her features so that he could continue to stare at her in his imagination. But then he started to feel guilty about that as well, so he opened his eye and discovered that Tooty was staring at him...

So anyway, Windy Pop and Tooty started talking and it turned out that Tooty was pretty keen on Windy Pop as well. Windy Pop talked about his adventures with me on the planet Owenia, his love for the sewage farm animals and anger at space taxi air fresheners. They talked about affecting the world, about global warming and greenhouse gases and what your average Flatulonian could do to make a difference. They talked right through the night and into the morning. As the sun rose, casting a greenish hue over the city, which was caused by all the methane produced by all the Flatulonian lovers up talking all night, Tooty rubbed her cheek against Windy Pop's hairy cheek and they kissed. When Flatulonians kiss it looks like this ))<>((. They went home together and spent the rest of the day in bed listening to Tooty's record collection, which included records by Barry White, Al Green and Marvin Gaye. Now, Windy Pop isn't the type of Flatulonian to kiss and tell, but it's obvious, considering the subsequent pregnancy, that some 69 rimming action must have occurred.

Windy Pop never wanted to get pregnant. He always imagined that he'd live the free life travelling the universe, visiting exotic locales, and dropping in on friends whenever their partners were having particularly gassy nights. Windy Pop didn't know how to feel when the pregnancy test returned the colour green. He didn't know what it was going to mean to his life. He knew that it was something special to bring a child into the world, but he didn't know if he could cope with the responsibility. He just wanted to run away - but he knew he couldn't do that. He knew that it didn't matter how he felt about the baby, he was going to look after it all the same and make sure that it had a good home. On the day the baby was born, Tooty there holding his hand. Windy Pop later recalled to me first seeing the baby. It was a girl. He remembers his feeling of relief when he saw that baby had it's head and it's bottom in the right places. Then he took the baby girl into his arms and named her Sibley Raj Pea and suddenly something changed. It didn't feel like needing to wee or being constipated. Right then, Windy Pop decided that there wasn't yet a Flatulonian sound conceived that could describe how he felt about Sibley Raj Pea. It simply felt like he was floating on a green cloud of methane.


New Dad said...


Meg said...

He tells me he choked up reading your post... now this is a little disturbing, I have to admit...

(thanks for coming to visit, Owen. I was so disappointed I didn't get to see you guys properly.)

Owen said...

Meg, this is how boys express their feelings. It was wonderful to meet Jasper the other day. It will be nice to see you all when he comes home.

Cass said...

Hey Owen, Happy Birthday! Hope it's a good one.

I would send you a crappy e-card, but they seem to have fallen from fashion since I last sent one in 1999.

Love Cass (& Damien)

Owen said...

Thanks Cass. I didn't realise those crappy e-cards were ever in fashion.

Fi said...

Happy Birthday Owen!
The wonder that is myspace reminded me it was your birthday last week, then I forgot until today!
Hope it was most good!


P.S. Get anything good?

Dboy said...

Happy Birthday for two days ago!

Hooray for flatulence!

I need sleep!

Chandira said...

Aw!! How sweet, that was beautiful in a Flatulonian sort of way! :-)

Thanks for the images that might jus tstay in my head all day, of hairy cellulite buttocks.. ;-)

Happy Belated Birthday!